5.06.2011

I'm Struggling

For some reason, Mother's Day is such a difficult concept this year. 

Mr LKP has lucked out that he's had to be out of town for work a lot over the past few weeks.  Mini-Me's got school & softball eating up her life, so neither of them have had to witness my meltdowns.  (And when I say meltdown, I mean MELT-DOWN!)  Which I'm okay with, since I'd rather suffer through the sobbing privately than have them worry about me.

For some reason, whether it's the fact Mr LKP & I have been married for over 9 years now, or if its the fact that Mini-Me will be turning 14 in two very short & busy months.  But I have been aching so much more lately for not having a second child in my arms, or growing beneath my heart. 

I know its not necessarily the age factor for me, since I have other friends my age (30-somethings & older) who are JUST getting married or JUST starting their families.  So I know 31-almost-32 isn't what is getting in the way for me.  Additional frustration stems from not only having vacant arms, but from not knowing the EXACT culprit behind my barrenness.

Perhaps this would feel more surmountable if I hadn't been given diagnoses by physicians only to have them, and every rationalization for my circumstances, stripped away by other doctors.  I have NO idea what's going on with my body!  No control whatsoever.  When I look into my husband's eyes and see what I'm not able to give him, I get pissed.  I WANT to have his babies, dammit!

For the record, this post is not meant to be a pity party.  I am NOT fishing for sympathy.  I just need a moment & a space where I can be completely honest about what's going on inside of me.  I need to process through it.  I need somewhere safe to grieve.  Publicly is not an option, for many people look at me, blink a little, and then have the nerve to chastise me for being ungrateful for the one child God DID entrust to me.  THAT treatment is devastating.  Therefore I've learned to keep all this to myself, and to my prayers.

Please don't get me wrong, I ADORE & CHERISH Mini-Me (even aloud, so she'll never doubt my gratitude for her).  
Sadly, there are inquiring minds STILL saying, "So, do you guys just not WANT anymore children?!" or "So when can we expect ya'll to finally start having more kids?" There's also the self-appointed-quasi-experts who say, "There's always adoption and foster kids." or "You've just got to relax and it'll happen."  To all those people I often think "Mind your own dang business!" and occasionally the thought is followed with a swift throat-punch.

It's exasperating to hear the broken record.  And it's not possible for me to maintain my dignity while vocally declaring, "I'm torn apart inside!  I'm ashamed and crushed at the fact that I am NOT the mom I want to be!  This isn't how it was supposed to turn out!"  So, instead I say, "Thank you for your concern," and I move on from there, with a mental note to add yet another name to the list of people to avoid.

I know God has a plan for each of us.  I know part of the trial is that we don't know that plan full out, therefore faith enters the picture.  Faith is crucial.  Without it we cannot relinquish our will to His will.  I know this, but I'm feeling weakened and conflicted.

Motherhood is the noble birthright we women have in this life... or we're at least SUPPOSED to have.  I'm trying to be patient.  I'm trying to understand.  I'm trying to concentrate on being an amazing mother to my one, and the best aunt in the world to the rest.  However, inside I am outraged.

I am outraged at the men who are the selfish reasons that girls as young as 6th AND 7th GRADE are winding up pregnant, due to rape and incest.  I'm outraged at how legions of meth-heads, tweekers, & crack addicts are getting pregnant daily.  I'm outraged by the fact there are so many abortions going on.  (THAT blows my mind!  How can these women not see past the "inconvenience" of their circumstances and recognize how truly lucky they are?!)  I'm most outraged at the fact that in my life, I'm doing everything "right" (married, stable, healthy habits, etc.) and yet Secondary Infertility gets to regulate my destiny.

I'm also struggling with the concept of continuing to cling to hope.

I received my Patriarchal Blessing at the age of 12.  Since then, amidst my mom & step-dad's divorce plus subsequent moves, it was lost.  A few years back, Mr LKP requested a copy of it from Salt Lake City.  My waning hope was reignited when I read the blessing which promised, if I remained faithful, children.  Not child.  Children.  Righteous posterity.  Now I'm not nor have I ever been perfect.  In the years between having that blessing in front of me, I had to learn from the School of Hard Knocks for a spell, but I never completely gave up.  I still knew in my heart what was right.  So I trusted in the Savior's Atonement, as well as my Heavenly Father's strength & faith in me, and trudged up back up out of the mire in my life.  My faith has been there, and it has grown.  But I fear it has now plateaued and I am left wondering where I've fallen short of the sufficient faith necessary to obtain the fullness of this blessing.  (When in this plateaued state, its practically impossible to feel pretty or capable or strong or worthwhile.)

There are stories in the scriptures of faithful women, as old as their 90's, conceiving and bearing children.  I've even heard Bishops and Stake Presidents tell of women who received Priesthood Blessings, from those who hold the keys & have the authority to give such blessings, who have then conceived and bore children.  (Part of me is overwhelmed by that idea.  First, I never knew we COULD ask for a blessing like that.  Second, I'm afraid someone will tell me no.  Third, I wonder if I have to be a Bishop's wife or Elders Quorum President's wife or someone IMPORTANT in order for it to be okay for me to request such a blessing.)  Perhaps it boils down to the fact it makes sense that others could have such experiences, but not me.  I guess its a matter of questioning my own self-worth. 

So there I've said it all.  With all this rage & doubt & ugliness storming inside me, I've been feeling very dark.  I've become very removed from life.  Distracted. Detached.  Numb.  In it, but not as invested, ya know?  Plastering a smile on my face and going through the motions.

This is why I'm posting.  I need a place outside of my head to OWN what's assaulting my heart and hopefully dust out some room inside for peace.

Therefore, I don't know what else to do this weekend.  I'm trying to ignore the pain.  I'm also trying to focus on my Savior more... not easy considering how spiritually & emotionally ADD I have been.  But I am trying.

Along those lines, THIS post over at MODsquadblog.com caught my attention.  I'll share it below.  Hopefully it will help others who are struggling with similar pain and with their spiritual attention span as mothers.

Heaven help me through Sunday!



P.S.  Thank you, Tracie, for introducing me to MODsquad.  ::double-hugs::

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Today, our girls are bombarded with images of what they should be….
skinny
beautiful
the center of attention
flirty
fun
stylish
perfect

with so many ways for them to define themselves….
The “party” girl
The “smart” girl
The “sporty” girl
The “nice” girl
The “good” girl

It seems impossible to find the truth of who they are in the midst of the noise of this world….but as moms we must teach them to see that they are…

Created by God: “I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well” Psalm 139:14

Created for a purpose: “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them”  Ephesians 2:10

Complete: “and in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority.” Colossians 2:10

Children of God “…But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name” John 1:12

So… how do we teach them to see….their identity….?

When our daughters complain about their hair, their weight, their skin, their laugh…..we remind them that God made them exactly the way He wanted them to be (or else, He would have made them different!)

When our daughters become defined by the sport they play, the talent they have or their friends and abilities, we remind them that they were created for a more specific purpose…as His children, to bring Him glory.

When they feel like they don’t measure up, like they aren’t good enough, like they aren’t like everyone else….we remind them that they are complete, whole, everything they should be, in Christ…..They are enough, because He was enough!

When they feel alone, when they feel deserted, when they feel like no one understands….we remind them that their heavenly Father does…He can bear their burden…He loves them the way they are…as only a perfect Father can!!!

Our voices teaching them to see who they really are needs to be the loudest noise they hear…. God’s truth that defines them needs to carry the heaviest weight in their hearts.  Let’s pray that they would truly see their identity…that God and His word would define them…as His beloved children!
 
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20 comments:

M said...

Wishing I knew what to say, other than I love you and I so understand the dark place you are in. SOmetimes dif circumstances bring us to the dark place, but once someone's been there, they have an idea of the struggle.

If I had an ounce of advice, I would give it to you. If I had any wisdom, I would share it. If I knew how to make a miracle happen, I would show you.

Instead, maybe Sunday you can just ditch church, go to breakfast and then come home, crawl under the covers and allow yourself to be hateful, dark and gloomy. Allow it for just the day and then Monday morning, you climb out and start over again with the faith knowing that Heavenly Father KNOWS you and knows what the future and the eternity holds. Even if it ticks us off, He knows.
Love you!

LKP said...

i love you. thank you. ::hugs::

Jill Iversen said...

From one mom who knows what it is to feel a hole in her life to another: You don't know me but please just accept my sister-hood to you for a day. You are completely loved. This poor world is messed up BAD. You are loved. There is evil and it prospers, for now. But you are loved. If you feel like reading the Bible, look at Hebrews 11 and 12. No matter how much shit there is around us and in us...there is beauty. There is truth. There is love. When you are tired of looking at the ugly and terrible, look at the Beauty. It won't mean you are giving up, or weak, or insignificant. It will mean you are turning the right way.

Rad Rachel said...

Thanks for your honesty. I can't pretend to understand. But I know you're doing what you should. When there seems to be no real answer to anything, you turn to Christ. You're a good example. I can do this more in my life. Also, thanks for that last part of your post. While consciously thinking of my stinking rising weight, it was good to read :) Thanks girlfriend. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Jan said...

I love the post on girls and their identity :) really was perfect..

When Ed and I got married, we were told we would never have children! We settled in to that thought! Then, 5 yrs. later (when I was at my parents telling them I was going to get a divorce LOL), I started throwing up and was pregnant.. miracle! We are now married 30 yrs.

Eddie was born, and 2 1/2 yrs. later.. Rylie came into the family.. miracle!

Life went on.. for 10 yrs... then one day, Ed (working in OR) and I (at a conference) BOTH recieved a confirmation from the spirit that we would be having another baby! 8 hrs. away from each other on the same day.. I have it in my journal! A year before that special day, we had been hiking through this remote area together and both heard a soft voice say - mommy, daddy! We now both know who that little voice was!

It took almost a year to get pregnant so we felt that maybe we had misread the confirmation! And you know we now have Mattie..miracle.

I am not quite sure why we were suddenly able to have children.. who am I to question it.. and I do realize there are way better people trying to have children than myself.. But I do believe in miracles.. and even though it may not have turned out this way, I do know that the reason will be made clear to us at some point!

Love to you LKP.. Little Miss Daisy is sure glad to have you for surezies :)

LKP said...

rachel, thank you for your tender prayers. there is so much power in prayer. i love the idea of having some wonderful people having my back via their prayers. ::hugs::

thank you, jan. it helps hearing your story. seriously does. i just hate feeling discouraged. :( so not fun. and i think they don't make them better than you & ed! love to you too. ::hugs::

Garden of Egan said...

I have no idea what to say, but I would say that I love you a ton.
Oh, I guess I can....I love you.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Know that you are loved and admired and cherished.

LKP said...

thank you. i love you too, tauna! ::hugs::

Lisa Loo said...

I am so sorry you have to be in that dark place. I have no wisdom just love--hang on tight--i will pray the light comes soon...

LKP said...

its funny you say that lisa, cause the moment i read your comment michael mclean's song "hold on, the light will come" popped into my head. thank you. ::hugs::

http://youtu.be/iBfHdd7mtq8

jess said...

Come to the temple...it is my shift tomorrow...11 a.m. to 5 p.m. I love you! I've found great healing in the temple.

LKP said...

thank you, mom. i will see if the family can spare me for a few hours. i love you so much. ::hugs::

Valerie said...

I hope that you can find a way to have a peaceful Mother's Day. I have never been in your situation, but I don't see anything wrong with being down at times about having to wait for righteous desires to be fulfilled. I'm sure we all do. (You already know I do sometimes.) You are such a wonderful mother and woman!!

LKP said...

valerie, you are so sweet & kind. thanks for reminding me that this is a righteous desire. too often i get in a mind-set of "little ol
me." basically, i figure who am i to ask the God of EVERYTHING to listen to little ol' me whine & cry? there are so many other pressing needs & concerns throughout the universe, that i feel like my request doesn't really deserve a place at the top of His to-do list. but righteous desires are what he's wanting to hear from His children, right? gosh, i'm so grateful for your perspective, val. you are one amazing lady. thank you. luv ya! ::hugs::

S.I.F. said...

You have got me sobbing friend! My heart aches for you. For me. For us. For everyone like us. I just... some days I really just don't understand.

I've got so much love for you, you don't even know...

LKP said...

oh no, if you start sobbing then i'm gonna start sobbing again. i'm like the spigot in the yard, the one the kids can't resist turning on & off, on & off, and wasting oodles of gallons of water all day long. yeah. it's been that rough. it can be any little thing that sets me off. just blind-siding type stuff. takes my breath away, and not in a good way. feels like i'm drowning. ugh! i hate not being able to pull myself together. i hate not having control. at least when i have some control, i can fake my way outta stuff. but not lately. so instead, i've tried to stay away from people as much as possible. i just can't lose it in front of people. that's too vulnerable for me to get, and i just can't go there. as happy cry is one thing. an ugly cry? yeah, those i keep under lock & key usually. i wish our weathered level out and stay normal & consistent for a spell. perhaps then it'd be easier to go out for a jog, and then maybe i'd be able to kick this darkness out. bah!
anyhow. i love you entirely, my friend. thanks for being a rock when i can't be. :) you are the bestest! ::hugs::

Siera said...

I am sorry your going through these thoughts. Your blog is your space to talk about such things and this is where you need to let it out. I wish I had the right words to say to you. I am thinking of you.

I was nearly an egg donor for a woman who had secondary infertility. At the time I wondered if I should be a donor for someone who didn't have child to give another woman a chance that someone already had. But I figured our paths crossed for a reason. I didn't end up being her donor as I had low FSH and AFC. But God put her in my path for a reason. Even though I've yet to figure that out.

LKP said...

thank you for thinking of me, siera. :) i know God has a reason for everything, and the same goes for you & this woman crossing paths. even if its merely for greater empathy towards others, having witnessed some of what goes on with secondary infertility. you're a great woman. truly. my mind's on john 15:13 "great love hath no man..." in this case, perhaps being her donor didn't work out, but you were WILLING to give this person a life. that is huge. and rare. thank you for being my friend. :)

Nikki said...

I don't know what to say. My heart aches for you my friend. I wish I could give you a big hug. I'm really sorry that you're struggling with this. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Nikki xx

Kimmie said...

Keely, my heart truly aches for you!! I can relate on so many levels to people making comments about "why you don't have more kids".

First off, our first child was not born until we had been married for 4 years and there was a busy body lady in our ward who asked us ALL the time, we didn't have kids and Tracy finally shut up her one day by saying: "Well I do you know we're not trying"?

There is an 8 year difference between my 2 kids and we had a miscarriage in between them and people are cruel and they don't realize they are being that way. I have heard all of the same types of comments you listed in your post, many a time.

You're in my thoughts and prayers and you are one of the sweetest, most kind and positive people I have ever met and I wish I could be there to give you a BIG hug!!

I hope you have a wonderful weekend and I hope you know what a RAY of sunshine you are to so many women...I thought I was a positive person, but then I met you...you are over the top amazing with your positiveness.

I hope that you someday when you are least expecting it, you will get the happy news you are wanting! Thanks for your friendship!

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