Mr LKP has lucked out that he's had to be out of town for work a lot over the past few weeks. Mini-Me's got school & softball eating up her life, so neither of them have had to witness my meltdowns. (And when I say meltdown, I mean MELT-DOWN!) Which I'm okay with, since I'd rather suffer through the sobbing privately than have them worry about me.
For some reason, whether it's the fact Mr LKP & I have been married for over 9 years now, or if its the fact that Mini-Me will be turning 14 in two very short & busy months. But I have been aching so much more lately for not having a second child in my arms, or growing beneath my heart.
I know its not necessarily the age factor for me, since I have other friends my age (30-somethings & older) who are JUST getting married or JUST starting their families. So I know 31-almost-32 isn't what is getting in the way for me. Additional frustration stems from not only having vacant arms, but from not knowing the EXACT culprit behind my barrenness.
Perhaps this would feel more surmountable if I hadn't been given diagnoses by physicians only to have them, and every rationalization for my circumstances, stripped away by other doctors. I have NO idea what's going on with my body! No control whatsoever. When I look into my husband's eyes and see what I'm not able to give him, I get pissed. I WANT to have his babies, dammit!
For the record, this post is not meant to be a pity party. I am NOT fishing for sympathy. I just need a moment & a space where I can be completely honest about what's going on inside of me. I need to process through it. I need somewhere safe to grieve. Publicly is not an option, for many people look at me, blink a little, and then have the nerve to chastise me for being ungrateful for the one child God DID entrust to me. THAT treatment is devastating. Therefore I've learned to keep all this to myself, and to my prayers.
Please don't get me wrong, I ADORE & CHERISH Mini-Me (even aloud, so she'll never doubt my gratitude for her).
Sadly, there are inquiring minds STILL saying, "So, do you guys just not WANT anymore children?!" or "So when can we expect ya'll to finally start having more kids?" There's also the self-appointed-quasi-experts who say, "There's always adoption and foster kids." or "You've just got to relax and it'll happen." To all those people I often think "Mind your own dang business!" and occasionally the thought is followed with a swift throat-punch.
It's exasperating to hear the broken record. And it's not possible for me to maintain my dignity while vocally declaring, "I'm torn apart inside! I'm ashamed and crushed at the fact that I am NOT the mom I want to be! This isn't how it was supposed to turn out!" So, instead I say, "Thank you for your concern," and I move on from there, with a mental note to add yet another name to the list of people to avoid.
I know God has a plan for each of us. I know part of the trial is that we don't know that plan full out, therefore faith enters the picture. Faith is crucial. Without it we cannot relinquish our will to His will. I know this, but I'm feeling weakened and conflicted.
Motherhood is the noble birthright we women have in this life... or we're at least SUPPOSED to have. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to understand. I'm trying to concentrate on being an amazing mother to my one, and the best aunt in the world to the rest. However, inside I am outraged.
I am outraged at the men who are the selfish reasons that girls as young as 6th AND 7th GRADE are winding up pregnant, due to rape and incest. I'm outraged at how legions of meth-heads, tweekers, & crack addicts are getting pregnant daily. I'm outraged by the fact there are so many abortions going on. (THAT blows my mind! How can these women not see past the "inconvenience" of their circumstances and recognize how truly lucky they are?!) I'm most outraged at the fact that in my life, I'm doing everything "right" (married, stable, healthy habits, etc.) and yet Secondary Infertility gets to regulate my destiny.
I'm also struggling with the concept of continuing to cling to hope.
I received my Patriarchal Blessing at the age of 12. Since then, amidst my mom & step-dad's divorce plus subsequent moves, it was lost. A few years back, Mr LKP requested a copy of it from Salt Lake City. My waning hope was reignited when I read the blessing which promised, if I remained faithful, children. Not child. Children. Righteous posterity. Now I'm not nor have I ever been perfect. In the years between having that blessing in front of me, I had to learn from the School of Hard Knocks for a spell, but I never completely gave up. I still knew in my heart what was right. So I trusted in the Savior's Atonement, as well as my Heavenly Father's strength & faith in me, and trudged up back up out of the mire in my life. My faith has been there, and it has grown. But I fear it has now plateaued and I am left wondering where I've fallen short of the sufficient faith necessary to obtain the fullness of this blessing. (When in this plateaued state, its practically impossible to feel pretty or capable or strong or worthwhile.)
There are stories in the scriptures of faithful women, as old as their 90's, conceiving and bearing children. I've even heard Bishops and Stake Presidents tell of women who received Priesthood Blessings, from those who hold the keys & have the authority to give such blessings, who have then conceived and bore children. (Part of me is overwhelmed by that idea. First, I never knew we COULD ask for a blessing like that. Second, I'm afraid someone will tell me no. Third, I wonder if I have to be a Bishop's wife or Elders Quorum President's wife or someone IMPORTANT in order for it to be okay for me to request such a blessing.) Perhaps it boils down to the fact it makes sense that others could have such experiences, but not me. I guess its a matter of questioning my own self-worth.
So there I've said it all. With all this rage & doubt & ugliness storming inside me, I've been feeling very dark. I've become very removed from life. Distracted. Detached. Numb. In it, but not as invested, ya know? Plastering a smile on my face and going through the motions.
This is why I'm posting. I need a place outside of my head to OWN what's assaulting my heart and hopefully dust out some room inside for peace.
Therefore, I don't know what else to do this weekend. I'm trying to ignore the pain. I'm also trying to focus on my Savior more... not easy considering how spiritually & emotionally ADD I have been. But I am trying.
Along those lines, THIS post over at MODsquadblog.com caught my attention. I'll share it below. Hopefully it will help others who are struggling with similar pain and with their spiritual attention span as mothers.
Heaven help me through Sunday!
P.S. Thank you, Tracie, for introducing me to MODsquad. ::double-hugs::
Today, our girls are bombarded with images of what they should be….
the center of attention
with so many ways for them to define themselves….
The “party” girl
The “smart” girl
The “sporty” girl
The “nice” girl
The “good” girl
It seems impossible to find the truth of who they are in the midst of the noise of this world….but as moms we must teach them to see that they are…
Created by God: “I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well” Psalm 139:14
Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well” Psalm 139:14
Created for a purpose: “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them” Ephesians 2:10
Complete: “and in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority.” Colossians 2:10
Children of God “…But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name” John 1:12
So… how do we teach them to see….their identity….?
When our daughters complain about their hair, their weight, their skin, their laugh…..we remind them that God made them exactly the way He wanted them to be (or else, He would have made them different!)
When our daughters become defined by the sport they play, the talent they have or their friends and abilities, we remind them that they were created for a more specific purpose…as His children, to bring Him glory.
When they feel like they don’t measure up, like they aren’t good enough, like they aren’t like everyone else….we remind them that they are complete, whole, everything they should be, in Christ…..They are enough, because He was enough!
When they feel alone, when they feel deserted, when they feel like no one understands….we remind them that their heavenly Father does…He can bear their burden…He loves them the way they are…as only a perfect Father can!!!
Our voices teaching them to see who they really are needs to be the loudest noise they hear…. God’s truth that defines them needs to carry the heaviest weight in their hearts. Let’s pray that they would truly see their identity…that God and His word would define them…as His beloved children!