I Will Not Be Strong

Just some thoughts in my head that need to tumble out.
Even if it's just to process through my own consciousness
& hopefully reclaim some of my sanity.

I have a friend who is dealing with some major health concerns
(aggressive endometriosis & infertility as a direct result).
Coping with these conditions cripple so many aspects in a
woman's life: hope, emotions, trust, faith (in God & self),
personal worth, etc.  Something I relate to well.

Easily, gals in these reproductive shoes can feel as though
they're a complete failure as a woman, wife, and mother.
I fight that feeling on a regular basis.

There's consuming guilt & constant second-guessing done.
Worries that there was some way it could have been prevented.
What one choice could have altered this result?  Constant
feelings that there's got to be more a girl can do, even if it's
outside of the woman's grasp.  As unintentional as it may be,
and one of the greatest burdens of having the endo monkey
on the back, this train of thought feels like bondage.

Not only does a woman's heart break every month or 6 weeks
or two months (depending on when her body finally feels like
cycling, and all hope is once again lost), but an afternoon
at the park can be emotionally devastating. 
Little children at church can take the wind right out of us. 
The barrage of comments &opinions of others can tear us to
pieces as we're interrogated by others who are 100% convinced
we're just being selfish since we must not want children. 
(Others ask why we wouldn't just adopt instead, or become a foster
family...which they don't understand is like officially admitting defeat. 
Easier said than done, people.
Not to mention, some of us are NOT emotionally built to handle the
heartache & baggage those choices can bring.)

Really it's more than a girl can handle.
Some days it's all we can do to even get out of bed, period.

And the craziest part?

Women like us never let you know about it.

We smile.  We laugh.  We put up a front.
So there's no indication just how broken we truly are inside.
We already feel like life's side-show attraction...
no sense in making a bigger spectacle of ourselves. 

My friend is a resilient woman.
Someone I respect & regard highly.
Daily she inspires me, as she boldly dances through life's storms.

I happened to be reading through her archives today, and found
2 simple sentences that struck a chord & screamed out to me:

"I will not be “strong”. I will be fierce."

I want to be like my friend.  I want to be fierce.
I want to be a force to be reckoned with in my life.  Guided by
the Spirit, mind you.  But definitely more proactive.  

Perhaps more biological children isn't my future here.  Maybe
I'll never be emotionally able to adopt someone else's kid, however:
  • I CAN live my life more vividly.  
  • I CAN give more to the family that I do have.  
  • I CAN learn to put my foot down with others.  
  • I CAN dance in the storms of life, boldly...
  • I CAN appreciate the dark clouds as building opportunities.  

Not all things must be overcome.
Some are to be there to help sculpt our abilities to thrive.
  • I CAN look forward to the blessing of a large family in the next life, as a direct reward for being grateful for the small family Heavenly Father trusted me with here. 

Kind of like in the parable of the talents.
I want to be the one who celebrated & magnified the quality of the gift...
and in the end saw it increased, rather than the one who buried it
in fear of losing it...and ultimately lost it.

I have a most favorite movie called "One Night with the King."
It's the story of Queen Esther.  There are many parts that contend with each other
for my favorite scenes & lessons.  Tied with the moment she reveals her heritage
to her husband, is a moment she refuses to leave all her troubles behind by
running away.  She tells her friend, Jesse, the following:

“Perhaps instead of asking questions of our trials, 
trials are meant to ask questions of ourselves.”

So, I'm going to let my trials ask questions of myself.
I'm going to be fierce in answering those questions.

I'm going to earn my Heavenly Father's greeting of  
"Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few 
things, I will make thee ruler over many things..."  (Matthew 25:21)

Hopefully today's stream of consciousness feels useful.

Be fierce....and dance boldly! 


Garden of Egan said...

OK Keely! I totally love you to death. I love what you said and I love you for saying it.

I want to be fierce like you.

Cherie said...

FIERCE is one of my signature words!! It describes so much: Strength, Courage, Awesomeness.
I am sorry for your friend and for you, for the silent battle that you fight. But know that even though some of us don't have the same battle we still fight our own silent battles!
Go forth with Fierceness!!

ericksons said...

Thank you. There are so many times that I read what you write and wonder at who you are, a person that I don't think I ever knew when I knew you in Richland. You're wonderful! You amaze me! I would definitely say that you are fiercely taking life by the horns. I don't say reins because you're not sitting up on back, you're staring it right in the face. I love you Keely! This Louisa May Alcott quote came to me as I read - "I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship."

S.I.F. said...

I don't even know why, but I am crying right now.... Thank you lady. I said it already, but thank you for reminding me of the woman I AM. I feel like she's gotten so lost in the last week, and I need to find her again. I needed this reminder. I needed you as a friend... thank you.

I am pretty proud of you for finding the clean message amidst all the profanities in that post though! ;)

Valerie said...

LOVE that post! Hope you've had a fierce couple of days since you posted this. :)

Kellee said...

Love that quote you posted. Wrote it down so I could add it to my quote book. Beautiful post with many profound and beautifully stated things. So sorry for those trials you've had to endure and are enduring. Thank you for sharing them with us.

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